By David Steele

The “Rule of Three” has many incarnations and applications, as a cursory Google search will reveal. In the area of relationships, you may have heard that the “third time is the charm,” and while that has certainly been true for me, I’m not recommending getting divorced twice to find your life partner.

The “Rule of Three for Conscious Dating” says that when meeting someone attractive to you, it takes at least three contacts to determine mutual interest and comfort to proceed further.
This is not good news for fans of “speed seduction” whose goal is to manipulate the outcome and immediately “hook up.” (OK. I see you’re excited about the idea, so go ahead and look it up in Google and continue reading when you’re ready).

In the real world of singles, the most anxiety-producing situation occurs when you spot someone attractive to you that you would like to meet. This is so stressful that an entire industry caters to singles to help them with this; for a price.

Save your money and use the Rule of Three. Here is an example:

Let’s say you are attracted to the teller at the bank. You could flirt, deliver your best pick-up line, and ask what time he or she gets off, but you anticipate (rightly) that if they have any class they would not be comfortable with that approach.

So, what do you do? Try the Rule of Three:

CONTACT #1: You smile, make eye contact, introduce yourself, ask their name, make small talk, pay a compliment, anything you would do to be friendly with anyone in any setting.

The purpose of this first contact is to walk away having left a positive impression.

CONTACT #2: Return to bank within 24-48 hours. Now that you are on a first name basis you can start with small talk and add some personal sharing about something important to you related to your requirements such as your children, work, etc, as you would for our “Power Introduction.” Note their reaction- positive, negative or neutral. Having revealed something specific about yourself, you then ask him or her about the topic (e.g. “Do you have kids?”).

You are seeking to do three things at this step:

-First; discover whether you have anything in common, especially an important requirement.

-Second; confirm your attraction and interest after discovering something real about this person.

-Third; leave another positive impression, this time based upon something real about you.

CONTACT #3: Return to bank within 24-48 hours. Now it will be like a reunion of old friends. Talk a bit further about what you have in common. Towards the end of the transaction say “I really enjoy talking with you and it seems that we have a lot in common. Would you be interested and available to meet for coffee sometime?”

Notice the above is a clear statement about you, and asks about their INTEREST and AVAILABILITY. Asking in this way is typically construed as friendly, non-threatening, and respectful. You are giving him or her lots of room to decline easily and gracefully. Most people would be flattered and positive; don’t worry about the people that take you the wrong way, they are simply screening themselves out. You’re just being authentically, benignly and innocently friendly. It is very helpful for you and for them to not be attached to the outcome- they can accept or not, you will be fine either way.

ALTERNATIVE #1: If asking so directly is not your preference, you can give them your business card and say “I really enjoy talking with you and it seems that we have a lot in common. Here is my card. I would love for you to call or e-mail if you are interested and available to meet for coffee sometime.”

ALTERNATIVE #2: You can repeat Contact #2 as many times as you like to build more comfort and learn more about each other before you decide to try #3.

The Rule of Three for Conscious Dating can be applied any social setting such as a party, except you would use intervals of 15-30 minutes instead of hours or days.

Scouting and initiating contact with people that are attractive to you is essential to being “The Chooser.” I hope the Rule of Three for Conscious Dating will empower you to take more initiative and be a successful single .

The important thing about applying the Rule of Three for Conscious Dating is to be authentic, especially with your bank teller, because he or she already knows more about you than most of your friends and family!

© 2005 by David Steele / http://radical-dating.com

By David Steele

Over time, couples can easily develop routines that become ruts and it seems like romance goes out the window.

Does this sound familiar?

Partner #1: “What do you want to do?”

Partner #2: “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?”

Then they end up doing pretty much the same thing they have done before.

Couples can also fall into “compromise ruts,” where each gives up what they really want to do in order to find something they can both agree upon. For example, in choosing movies, he might love action-adventure, she might love drama, and they might routinely compromise on comedies. After awhile, this might get old! (True story- happened to me!)

What’s the alternative? How can couples keep their romance fresh and exciting?

Try rotating the following four ONE-WAY DATES:

TYPE 1: Partner #1 creates a romantic experience for partner #2

The purpose of this date is to give a gift and please partner #2 one hundred percent. This doesn’t have to cost anything, and doesn’t even require going anywhere, as long as the time and activities are creatively focused on what would please partner #2.

TYPE 2: Switch; partner #2 creates a romantic experience for partner #1

TYPE 3: Partner #1 creates a self-centered romantic experience

The purpose of this date is for partner #1 to please themselves 100%, to have romance exactly the way they want, sharing the experience with partner #2 in the way they wish, but not worrying about partner #2’s experience at all.

TYPE 4: Switch; partner #2 creates a self-centered romantic experience

To work, this requires planning and coordination. I suggest couples plan their dates and one-way types on a calendar a year in advance. This may sacrifice the spontaneity that some prefer but often can’t sustain, for intentionality that can continue to create romantic closeness and excitement for decades to come.

I have found that trying to reach agreement on everything can hinder creativity and dilute the possibilities. Using these One-Way Dates allows for each partner to freely and creatively choose activities that would truly please themselves or their partner, without eliminating exciting choices trying to please both.

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute, author of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World. http://radical-dating.com/

By David Steele

As I spread the word about conscious dating and conscious relationships I’m amazed that not everyone agrees with me. I’m learning that for some singles “conscious” is a turnoff.

OK, it’s just a word, so if Conscious Dating doesn’t work let’s use another one to get our point across. How about “Courtship?” Now there’s an old-fashioned term few can take issue with!

According to the dictionary, Courtship means 1. The act, process, or period of courting. 2. Specialized behavior that leads to or initiates mating.

By contrast, Wooing means 1. To seek the affection of with intent to romance. 2a. To seek to achieve; try to gain. b. To tempt or invite. 3. To entreat, solicit, or importune.

So here’s my take on the difference- Courtship is a conscious process of selecting and building a relationship with a potential life partner, and wooing is pursuing someone you’re highly attracted to with a specific goal in mind; typically sex or to “get” the man or woman in some way.

Wooing seems romantic and desireable to some folks. To me it seems self-centered and impulsive. You are pursuing what YOU want based upon your feelings of attraction and immediate goals for sex, companionship, etc, and you’ve decided that THIS person is your target. People who woo are concerned with what they can do and say to accomplish their immediate goal.

Courtship takes the long view, respecting your potential life partner as someone to get to know and determine mutual fit over time. In our culture being patient and delaying gratification is undervalued.

Courtship means you’re honest with yourself and the person you’re courting about your intentions, and they are interested in you as well. When you’re authentic there is a risk of rejection, which might be why wooing seems more attractive to some singles.

Conscious Dating means to be clear and intentional about dating. If you are simply seeking sex, that’s OK, we call it “Recreational Dating” and recommend being honest about it. In spite of your scarcity fears, you’ll find plenty of takers if you know where to look (such as Craig’s List “Casual Encounters”). If you don’t like to think of this as being “conscious,” then go ahead and call it “wooing!” If you’re single and seeking your life partner, I will stick to my guns and continue advocating being conscious, intentional, and authentic if your goal is to find the love of your life and the life that you love.

In a new trend, singles are becoming increasingly disillusioned with internet dating and seeking alternatives. In spite of millions of singles using the internet and the promises and success stories of online matchmaking websites, I’ve heard the same thing over and over from singles across the country who are frustrated with internet dating-

“It’s great to have a lot of choices, but it takes a lot of time and I don’t seem to meet anyone I have much chemistry with.”

 

This trend makes sense to me. In some ways, using a computer to find your soul mate is like trying to cook a souffle in a microwave. Some things just require time, effort, and the human touch.

 

This article explores the upsides and downsides of internet dating, attempts to explain why internet dating doesn’t work for some (most?) singles, and suggests some alternatives.

 

Top Five Advantages of Internet Dating

 

1. Reach more singles

2. Inexpensive (relatively)

3. Enough information available for efficient sorting

4. Anonymous

5. Easy to control most aspects of the process

 

Top Five Downsides of Internet Dating

 

1. Overwhelming number of choices

2. Encourages “shopping” mentality

3. Many users are less than truthful

4. Some users are game players, predators. cheaters

5. Complacency- tempting to rely on the internet and exclude other options

 

The Internet, Chemistry, and the Law of Attraction

 

Today’s singles seem to be relying on their computer a bit too much and complacently expecting the internet to deliver their soul mate. This is a version of the Fairytale Trap (one of fourteen dating traps in my book “Conscious Dating”). The internet is a wonderful tool (I use it!) but doesn’t seem to work effectively as the only tool for finding potential partners.

 

I believe that the two biggest reasons why the internet isn’t effective for many singles is the role of chemistry and the Law of Attraction.

 

Chemistry is critically important for a successful relationship. Everyone wants a partner they feel strong chemistry with, and a relationship would be pretty dry and unsustainable without it. The Fourth Principle of Conscious Dating is “Balance Your Heart With Your Head.” Identifying your requirements, needs, and wants does not minimize the need for chemistry. You need both! I like to think of chemistry as the radar that helps you find your target, then you use your requirements, needs and wants to decide “yes” or “no.”

 

The Law of Attraction is inescapeable and either works for you or against you. If you’re “busy” or “shy” and the internet is your only means of reaching potential partners, in a way you’re hiding behind your computer and the Law of Attraction is not likely to help you. The Law of Attraction states that “like attracts like” and “energy follows attention,” meaning your results reflect your thoughts and your actions. Over the years I’ve become convinced that the Law of Attraction is a powerful law of the Universe, like gravity. Just like “what goes up must come down,” try as you might, you can’t avoid or change the principle that “like attracts like.”

 

If you’re hiding behind your computer, what people, relationships, and
results are you likely to attract?

 

Top Five Ways to Find Your Mate Without a Computer

 

1. Use your support community

 

Most people find their soul mate through someone they know, so don’t be a lone ranger (another dating trap!) and lean on your friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors to assist you to meet potential partners.

 

2. Start a dating pool or networking group

 

Get a group of singles together (any gender mix) to support each other to meet potential partners. Most singles know lots of other singles of both genders, so pool your resources and do some matchmaking for each other!

 

3. Reach out to people

 

In today’s busy world with cell phones, texting, instant messaging, e-mail,
and the internet promoting impersonal ways of interacting with others, it’s easy to forget the lost art of engaging with real people that are right in front of you. Make an effort to reach out to the people you come into contact with in your everyday life and watch your relationships blossom.

 

4. Make more friends

 

Since most people find their soul mate through someone they know, be open to developing new friendships and expanding your support community. Chances are you already have acquaintances at work and other places that you would enjoy spending more time with. Friends are easier to find than dates, and friendships often last longer than romantic relationships!

 

5. Get involved

 

Too many singles lead isolated lives centered around work, home, and a few friends. Participating in clubs, groups, classes, charities, church/temple, is the most important way you can leverage the Law of Attraction to help you find your soul mate. You’ll meet new people, make new friends, and pursue hobbies and interests important to you that bring you in contact with other compatible singles.

 

Balancing High Tech with High Touch

 

Technology can help us in many ways. However, let’s not forget that humans are social beings and finding your life partner is a relationship goal that is probably more effectively acheived by getting away from your computer. You’re more likely to find relationship fulfillment by living a full, rich life among real people doing the things you enjoy that make your life meaningful.

 

As the ancient Roman playwright Terence once said- “Moderation in all things.” Do you think he meant the internet as well?

 

Let’s address this problem of over-reliance on the internet for finding love. Please pass this article along to the frustrated singles in your life that you care about!

 

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the new ground-breaking book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World

 

Visit his website at www.consciousrelationshipresources.com for free audio programs, live tele-seminars, and cutting-edge relationship information for singles and couples.

As the holidays approach I get many inquiries from singles who don’t want to be lonely while their family and friends are cozily spending quality time together. These singles don’t want to be alone during the holidays, they want to have fun with someone!

So I got creative. If you’re single and want to have fun with someone over the holidays (or any other time) here are five ways you can get a date within 24 hours.

One qualifier… in Conscious Dating a “fun” date is recreational dating, the purpose of which is to have fun, not find a long term partner, therefore anyone fun qualifies. Therefore, you don’t need to carefully choose someone who is highly aligned with your requirements and highly attractive to you. The hard part of recreational dating is keeping it fun and not getting involved. Believe it or not, it’s easiest to do this with someone that clearly is not a good match for you!

With that qualifier in mind here are some ideas-

1. Date your Ex

Got your attention? It’s not as crazy as you might think! If you have a cordial relationship with an ex, why not? You know each other well and know how to have fun together.

2. Date out of your league

We get so focused on finding “the one,” wouldn’t it be fun to take a break and date someone significantly older or younger, of a different race or gender, etc, than usual? Recreational dating is easiest when it’s with people we clearly wouldn’t choose for long term, so how about dating someone dramatically different from your usual pattern?

3. Post a contest on Craig’s List

“Win a date with me!” contest. Entrants submit a description of what they propose to do on their date with you, and you choose the one that seems the most fun. People cruise Craig’s List and similar online communities for things to do, places to go, and people to meet. DO NOT use this strategy for anything other than recreational dating! (see above qualifier).

4. Date a “loser”

I know I’m going to get flak for this one… but search personal ads for the most pathetic lost soul you can find who would be happy to go out for a little fun and let loose, knowing it’s a one-time thing. Someone who you wouldn’t ordinarily consider dating in a million years. Who knows? You might have fun and learn something about yourself and the human race.

5. Date a family member or friend

Wouldn’t it be nice to have fun with one of your kids, your brother or sister, mother or father, or a friend? Take this opportunity to get to have fun with them and get to know them better by breaking your usual pattern with them and go out to a dinner and play, etc.

No need to be alone during the holidays or at any other time if you’re not picky. If you’re lonely, use these strategies to have fun!

Want More Than “Fun?”

If these strategies don’t appeal to you and you want more than fun, you want a relationship, then take care of yourself by not settling for less and continue your quest for your life partner. In the meantime, I recommend spending quality time with your family and friends, and perhaps widening your social circle by making new friends. Not only will this help you get your social and emotional needs met while you’re single, but here’s a secret… most people meet their soul mate through someone they already know!

Happy Holidays and my best wishes in your journey to live the life you love with the love of your life.

By David Steele

As the author of Conscious Dating and founder of Relationship Coaching Institute I’m excited to share that this year I met my soul mate, Darlene, and we are engaged to be married!

If you’re a reader of Conscious Dating you know that I’ve been married and divorced twice. I thought I met my soul mate (Maggie), but that relationship ended after 5 years. Since then I’ve done a lot of soul searching and focused on living the life I want while continuing to date around, this time with more consciousness of how I tend to settle and determined to find what I really want in a partner and relationship.

After Maggie I met a wonderful woman (Susan) who seemed aligned with everything I was seeking. We had a lot of fun together, shared many values and goals, yet something held me back. Though close, this relationship wasn’t “the whole package” for me. I was seeking a deep emotional and spiritual connection that I did not experience with Susan. I broke off the relationship August 2007 and posted my profile on several internet matchmaking websites determined to find my soul mate or be alone.

November 2007 I composed the below statement of my requirements and what I was seeking and even published them in my newsletter here–

In my life I’ve struggled to understand love and relationships, not having a good start growing up, which propelled me into my profession as a Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Coach. I’m sure you can relate.

While I’m quite competent helping others I’m still on the path of find lasting love for myself. My first marriage was doomed from the start… too young, too different in irreconcilable ways. I needed to learn that love doesn’t conquer all and that not all problems are solvable.

I thought I was more conscious in my second marriage, but being in love caused me to ignore many obvious red flags. Being older didn’t make me wiser, and being a therapist didn’t give me an edge in making that marriage work.

My two divorces taught me that, indeed, like it or not, agree with it or not, we do have non-negotiable requirements that must be met for a relationship to work. I was determined to be conscious in my future relationships and in exploring what that meant wrote the book Conscious Dating

My next two relationships, one for 5 years, one for 1 year, were both with very good women that I respected, liked, admired, fit most of my requirements, but no chemistry for me. I was trying to be “conscious” and avoid the pitfalls of unconsciousness. That swing of the pendulum didn’t work either.

Having learned the hard way about the necessity of having non-negotiable requirements,here are my top requirements for my next (and hopefully last) relationship–

1. Strong chemistry

I want to desire my partner, be excited by my partner at a chemical, physical level. I’ve experienced this before and learned that it’s crucial for a passionate, alive, long-term relationship.

2. I require to be loved, understood, and accepted deeply for who I am.

My partner needs to “get” me so well that I don’t need to constantly explain where I’m coming from, what I’m thinking, feeling, intending, meaning.

I’ve felt misunderstood for most of my life by the people close to me that didn’t “get”me. My best friendships and relationships are with people that are able to practically see inside me and understand where I’m coming from. My most difficult relationships are with people that see me through filters so opaque with their own stuff that my good heart and intentions are unseen.

3. I require a relationship that brings out the best in me as I bring out the best in my partner.

This might mean challenging each other a bit(I do like a challenge), but it mostly means loving and supporting each other with positive energy, believing in each other 100%, “getting”each other so that the relationship is safe and emotionally free.

4. I require positive, optimistic, joyful thoughts, actions, attitudes, and energy in my life and relationship.

I grew up with a lot of unhappiness and negativity, but my personality/nature is positive, optimistic and adventurous about life, and I want a partner that shares that so we can live in that space together. In this context “problems” are a challenge to be met with positive energy, optimism that it’ll work out fine, not as indicators that something or someone is “wrong.”

5. I require a relationship that has a higher mission than personal happiness.

Of course I want to be happy and for my partner to be happy. But I’ve learned that you can’t find happiness by focusing on yourself and your needs in a self-centered way. Fulfillment comes from giving, making a difference in the world, accomplishments that sometimes take sacrifice, learning, growing, stretching, etc. I don’t want my partner resenting my work because it interferes with “our time,” I want my partner’s support for my work and trust that I value and want “our time” as well, and that we both do our best as adults to balance the needs of our work, family, relationship, etc.

6. I require a strong spiritual connection

So strong that we feel connected even when apart, or one of us is traveling. When you are complete and whole, you don’t need your partner to complete you or do or say anything for you to be OK. When two complete and whole people love each other, they can be apart and the love and connection doesn’t diminish, doesn’t go away or sink into emotional deficit.

7. I require a soul mate

My soul mate will match and mirror me in some ways, complement and challenge me in others, fitting with me like hand in glove which results in manifesting all of the above. This is no ordinary relationship that can be achieved with just anyone, especially by settling. While I don’t believe there is only one specific soul mate for anyone, I do believe in a connection that goes beyond the present, sensory world and is “meant to be.”

The best evidence I have for the existence of “soul mates” are couples I’ve known that fit together so well they seem to belong together, it seems like they’ve always been together and you can’t imagine them not together. I want a relationship like that!

I’m sure there’s more, but this is what I’m aware of that I’m seeking. My commitment to myself is to not settle for less than this as I have before, which means (in my language/paradigm) they are more than wants or needs, they are requirements. I trust that this is possible, that I deserve it, am capable of this kind of relationship, that if I don’t settle for less I will find my soul mate and experience this kind of relationship.

Having settled for less in the past and having had the alternatives, I’d rather be alone than in a relationship without this. I’m complete as I am and can give myself all these things! However, I value partnership, committed life partnership, and despite all my “failures” have not given up on my romantic dream to be married for life and grow old with my soul mate. Now that I’ve put my requirements out there for you and the world to see I have no doubt the Law of Attraction will bring them to me!

Literally one month after publishing the above, December 2007, I received a match online that proved to be my soul mate. Darlene’s photo and profile was pretty ordinary, but there was something unexplainable about her that excited me and compelled me to contact her. Our first two meetings were very positive, but routine as first dates go… coffee, then lunch, but something powerful was drawing me to her that I didn’t understand. After studying dating and practicing it myself for years, this was new territory for me!

Then, after our third meeting we hugged goodbye and it was all over for me. I was in love. I had insomnia that night and couldn’t sleep the next night as well. We had arranged to get together later that week on Sunday, and Darlene contacted me to find out if I could get together on Saturday as she didn’t want to wait until Sunday. So she was feeling it too! We ended up talking for 5 hours about our Vision, Requirements, Needs and Wants, and our alignment was amazing. Our chemistry, emotional and spiritual connection was so overwhelming it was wonderful and almost too much to bear.

We’ve been inseparable since, and six weeks after becoming a couple we went to Carmel for the weekend, found a beautiful ring, and got engaged. Our wedding date is set for September 27, 2008.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. My kids love her, her family likes me, the fit all around is like we were meant to be together. We are true Soul Mates in every sense of the word. I yearned to find her for many years, knew she was out there, and now I feel like I am “home.”

My wish for all singles and the message of Conscious Dating is that finding your soul mate really CAN happen for you if you’re clear about who you are, what you want, become ready and available, use the Law of Attraction, don’t settle for less, and go after what you REALLY want.

David Steele

 

Photo Gallery

Here we are in Carmel in front of
the famous Lone Cypress the day
before our engagment

We pick out “The Ring”

Hiking in Carmel’s Point Lobos after getting engaged

My son Eric showing Darlene our photo albums

Introducing the future David and Darlene Steele
(wedding date set for September 27, 2008)

View our photo albums here